Chapter 63
Ayodhya Kanda - Book Of Ayodhya
प्रतिबुद्धो मुहुर् तेन शोक उपहत चेतनः
अथ राजा दशरथः स चिन्ताम् अभ्यपद्यत
pratibuddho muhur tena śoka upahata cetanaḥ
atha rājā daśarathaḥ sa cintām abhyapadyata
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
The king, awakened after some time, with his mind afflicted with grief, got into an anxious thinking.
राम लक्ष्मणयोः चैव विवासात् वासव उपमम्
आविवेश उपसर्गः तम् तमः सूर्यम् इव आसुरम्
rāma lakṣmaṇayoḥ caiva vivāsāt vāsava upamam
āviveśa upasargaḥ tam tamaḥ sūryam iva āsuram
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
Due to banishing of Rama and Lakshmana, a great calamity befell on Dasaratha who was equal in strength to Indra like sun seized by obscurity, which is attributed to the demon Rahu.
सभार्ये निर्गते रामे कौसल्याम् कोसलेश्वरः
विवक्षुरसितापाङ्गाम् स्मृवा दुष्कृतमात्मनः
sabhārye nirgate rāme kausalyām kosaleśvaraḥ
vivakṣurasitāpāṅgām smṛvā duṣkṛtamātmanaḥ
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
After Rama along with his wife departed to the forest, Dasaratha the king of Kosala recalling his earlier sin, wanted to tell Kausalya, whose eye-corners were dark in colour all about it.
स राजा रजनीम् षष्ठीम् रामे प्रव्रजिते वनम्
अर्ध रात्रे दशरथः संस्मरन् दुष्कृतम् कृतम्
sa rājā rajanīm ṣaṣṭhīm rāme pravrajite vanam
ardha rātre daśarathaḥ saṃsmaran duṣkṛtam kṛtam
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
After Rama was sent into exile to the forest, King Dasaratha, on the sixth night at mid-night, was recalling his sin done (long ago).
स राजा पुत्रशोकार्तः स्मरन् दुष्कृतमात्मनः
कौसल्याम् पुत्र शोक आर्ताम् इदम् वचनम् अब्रवीत्
sa rājā putraśokārtaḥ smaran duṣkṛtamātmanaḥ
kausalyām putra śoka ārtām idam vacanam abravīt
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
King Dasaratha, afflicted by grief for his son, recalling his sin, spoke the following words to Kausalya who was suffering from sorrow for her son.
यद् आचरति कल्याणि शुभम् वा यदि वा अशुभम्
तत् एव लभते भद्रे कर्ता कर्मजम् आत्मनः
yad ācarati kalyāṇi śubham vā yadi vā aśubham
tat eva labhate bhadre kartā karmajam ātmanaḥ
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"O, blessed lady! O gracious one! A doer reaps surely the fruit of his own deeds corresponding to the nature of work either good or bad, of that which he does!"
गुरु लाघवम् अर्थानाम् आरम्भे कर्मणाम् फलम्
दोषम् वा यो न जानाति स बालैति ह उच्यते
guru lāghavam arthānām ārambhe karmaṇām phalam
doṣam vā yo na jānāti sa bālaiti ha ucyate
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"He who does not consider, while undertaking actions, the relative value of their fruits as well as the utilities or defects accruing from them, is surely called a fool."
कश्चित् आम्र वणम् चित्त्वा पलाशाम्ः च निषिन्चति
पुष्पम् दृष्ट्वा फले गृध्नुः स शोचति फल आगमे
kaścit āmra vaṇam cittvā palāśāmḥ ca niṣincati
puṣpam dṛṣṭvā phale gṛdhnuḥ sa śocati phala āgame
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"Anyone, who after seeing their (charming and big) flowers, greedily desires their (large and luscious) fruits and nourishes Palasa trees, by cutting off a mongo grove, he will come to grief after bearing of their fruit."
अविज्ञाय फलम् यो हि कर्म त्वेवानुधावति
स शोचेत्फलवेल्दायाम् यथा किंशुकसेचकः
avijñāya phalam yo hi karma tvevānudhāvati
sa śocetphalaveldāyām yathā kiṃśukasecakaḥ
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"He who without knowing the result goes running towards action, will come to grief as a nourisher of Kimsuka trees coming to grief at the time of their fruit-bearing."
सो अहम् आम्र वणम् चित्त्वा पलाशाम्ः च न्यषेचयम्
रामम् फल आगमे त्यक्त्वा पश्चात् शोचामि दुर्मतिः
so aham āmra vaṇam cittvā palāśāmḥ ca nyaṣecayam
rāmam phala āgame tyaktvā paścāt śocāmi durmatiḥ
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"I nourished Palasa trees, by cutting off mango grove. Being wicked-minded in abandoning Rama at the time of arrival of fruit, I am lamenting thereafter."
लब्ध शब्देन कौसल्ये कुमारेण धनुष्मता
कुमारः शब्द वेधी इति मया पापम् इदम् कृतम्
labdha śabdena kausalye kumāreṇa dhanuṣmatā
kumāraḥ śabda vedhī iti mayā pāpam idam kṛtam
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"This sin was done by me while I was young and wielding a bow. At that time, I was famous as a young man, who can shoot heard (but unseen) object by an arrow, O Kausalya!"
तत् इदम् मे अनुसम्प्राप्तम् देवि दुह्खम् स्वयम् कृतम्
सम्मोहात् इह बालेन यथा स्यात् भक्षितम् विषम्
tat idam me anusamprāptam devi duhkham svayam kṛtam
sammohāt iha bālena yathā syāt bhakṣitam viṣam
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"This grief, obtained by my own accord, has befallen me, as by a boy in ignorance eating poison in the world; O, Kausalya!"
यथान्यः पुरुषः कश्चित्पलाशैर्मोओहितो भवेत्
एवम् मम अपि अविज्ञातम् शब्द वेध्यमयम् फलम्
yathānyaḥ puruṣaḥ kaścitpalāśairmoohito bhavet
evam mama api avijñātam śabda vedhyamayam phalam
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"How the other man became disillusioned by Palasa trees, I also became disillusioned in the same manner, without knowing accurately the correct result of hitting a target by means of sound only."
देव्य् अनूढा त्वम् अभवो युव राजो भवाम्य् अहम्
ततः प्रावृड् अनुप्राप्ता मद काम विवर्धिनी
devy anūḍhā tvam abhavo yuva rājo bhavāmy aham
tataḥ prāvṛḍ anuprāptā mada kāma vivardhinī
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"O, Kausalya! You were unmarried till then and I was the Prince Regent. Then came the rainy season which enhanced excitement and desire (for hunting)."
उपास्यहि रसान् भौमांस् तप्त्वा च जगद् अंशुभिः
परेत आचरिताम् भीमाम् रविर् आविशते दिशम्
upāsyahi rasān bhaumāṃs taptvā ca jagad aṃśubhiḥ
pareta ācaritām bhīmām ravir āviśate diśam
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"The sun, partaking fluids from earth and warming the world with its rays, entered the terrible southern quarter haunted by spirits."
उष्णम् अन्तर् दधे सद्यः स्निग्धा ददृशिरे घनाः
ततः जहृषिरे सर्वे भेक सारन्ग बर्हिणः
uṣṇam antar dadhe sadyaḥ snigdhā dadṛśire ghanāḥ
tataḥ jahṛṣire sarve bheka sāranga barhiṇaḥ
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"Heat disappeared suddenly. Resplendent clouds appeared in the sky. All frogs, cuckoos and peacocks were full of joy."
क्लिन्नपक्षोत्तराः स्नाताः कृच्च्रादिव वतत्रिणः
वृष्टिवातावधूताग्रान् पादपानभिपेदिरे
klinnapakṣottarāḥ snātāḥ kṛccrādiva vatatriṇaḥ
vṛṣṭivātāvadhūtāgrān pādapānabhipedire
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"Birds with moistened top of their wings as if they bathed, reached with great difficulty the trees, the tops of which were shaken off by rain and wind."
पतितेन अम्भसा चन्नः पतमानेन च असकृत्
आबभौ मत्त सारन्गः तोय राशिर् इव अचलः
patitena ambhasā cannaḥ patamānena ca asakṛt
ābabhau matta sārangaḥ toya rāśir iva acalaḥ
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"Enveloped by water falling again and again on the water already fallen, the mountain with its antelopes in rut, glowed like an ocean."
पाण्डुरारुणवर्णानि स्रोओतांसि विमलान्यपि
सुस्रुवुर्गिरिधातुभ्यः सभस्मानि भुजङ्गवत्
pāṇḍurāruṇavarṇāni srootāṃsi vimalānyapi
susruvurgiridhātubhyaḥ sabhasmāni bhujaṅgavat
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"Although the water-streams were crystal clear, they flowed in serpentine courses, with white and red colours because of their admixture with ashes and mountain-minerals on the way."
आकुलारुणतोयानि स्रोओतांसि विमलान्यपि
उन्मार्गजलवाहीनि बभूवुर्जलदागमे
ākulāruṇatoyāni srootāṃsi vimalānyapi
unmārgajalavāhīni babhūvurjaladāgame
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"The water-streams, which were crystal-clear till then, became churned with reddish waters, carrying water by a wrong way, after the onset of rain."
तस्मिन्न् अतिसुखे काले धनुष्मान् इषुमान् रथी
व्यायाम कृत सम्कल्पः सरयूम् अन्वगाम् नदीम्
tasminn atisukhe kāle dhanuṣmān iṣumān rathī
vyāyāma kṛta samkalpaḥ sarayūm anvagām nadīm
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"With a wish to do hunting as an exercise in that most comfortable season, I went along Sarayu River, in a chariot, wearing bow and arrows."
निपाने महिषम् रात्रौ गजम् वा अभ्यागतम् नदीम्
अन्यम् वा श्वा पदम् कंचिज् जिघांसुर् अजित इन्द्रियः
nipāne mahiṣam rātrau gajam vā abhyāgatam nadīm
anyam vā śvā padam kaṃcij jighāṃsur ajita indriyaḥ
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"Without my senses under control and with an intent to kill there a (wild) buffalo or an elephant or any other wild animal coming in the night at that place for the purpose of drinking water, I was ready with my bow at a solitary place."
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"Hearing the sound, I killed turning towards it, a wild animal, which came to the bank of Sarayu River and another violent beast too which came there."
अथ अन्ध कारे तु अश्रौषम् जले कुम्भस्य पर्यतः
atha andha kāre tu aśrauṣam jale kumbhasya paryataḥ
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"Meanwhile, in that darkness and not within the react of the eye, I heard the sound of a pitcher being filled up, the sound of which appeared like that of an elephant."
ततः अहम् शरम् उद्धृत्य दीप्तम् आशी विष उपमम्
tataḥ aham śaram uddhṛtya dīptam āśī viṣa upamam
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"With an intent to hit that elephant, I drew out a shining arrow resembling a serpent, targeted towards the direction sound and discharged it."
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"I released a sharp arrow, resembling a serpent. There, at dawn, arose a distinct voice uttering 'Ah! Ah!' of a forest-inhabitant, dropping down in water after his vital part was hit by an arrow."
तस्मिन्निपतिते बाणे वागभूत्तत्र मानुषी
कथम् अस्मद् विधे शस्त्रम् निपतेत् तु तपस्विनि
tasminnipatite bāṇe vāgabhūttatra mānuṣī
katham asmad vidhe śastram nipatet tu tapasvini
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"While that arrow was attacking a human voice there was heard, saying, 'Oh, how a weapon did rush upon an ascetic like me?' "
प्रविविक्ताम् नदीम् रात्राव् उदाहारः अहम् आगतः
इषुणा अभिहतः केन कस्य वा किम् कृतम् मया
praviviktām nadīm rātrāv udāhāraḥ aham āgataḥ
iṣuṇā abhihataḥ kena kasya vā kim kṛtam mayā
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
'I came to the river, which is away from habitation, in the night to fetch water. By whom I was hit by an arrow? On the other hand what wrong have I done to anyone?"
ऋषेर् हि न्यस्त दण्डस्य वने वन्येन जीवतः
कथम् नु शस्त्रेण वधो मद् विधस्य विधीयते
ṛṣer hi nyasta daṇḍasya vane vanyena jīvataḥ
katham nu śastreṇa vadho mad vidhasya vidhīyate
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"To a seer like me, of having laid down violence and living a fruits and roots of wild plants in the forest, how a killing by an arrow is enjoined?"
जटा भार धरस्य एव वल्कल अजिन वाससः
को वधेन मम अर्थी स्यात् किम् वा अस्य अपकृतम् मया
jaṭā bhāra dharasya eva valkala ajina vāsasaḥ
ko vadhena mama arthī syāt kim vā asya apakṛtam mayā
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"Who is desirous of killing me, wearing a mass of locks of hair and clad with bark of trees and deer-skin? What harm was done to him by me?"
एवम् निष्फलम् आरब्धम् केवल अनर्थ सम्हितम्
न कश्चित् साधु मन्येत यथैव गुरु तल्पगम्
evam niṣphalam ārabdham kevala anartha samhitam
na kaścit sādhu manyeta yathaiva guru talpagam
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"A vain act concerning only with a useless objective is undertaken in this manner. No one will admire him, as for instance like any man seeking the bed of his preceptor's wife, as good."
नहम् तथा अनुशोचामि जीवित क्षयम् आत्मनः
मातरम् पितरम् च उभाव् अनुशोचामि मद् विधे
naham tathā anuśocāmi jīvita kṣayam ātmanaḥ
mātaram pitaram ca ubhāv anuśocāmi mad vidhe
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"I do not worry that much of my death. I worry both for my mother and father, in the case of my death."
तत् एतान् मिथुनम् वृद्धम् चिर कालभृतम् मया
मयि पन्चत्वम् आपन्ने काम् वृत्तिम् वर्तयिष्यति
tat etān mithunam vṛddham cira kālabhṛtam mayā
mayi pancatvam āpanne kām vṛttim vartayiṣyati
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
'By what means of livelihood this elderly couple, maintained since a long time by me, support themselves when I obtain my death?'
वृद्धौ च माता पितराव् अहम् च एक इषुणा हतः
केन स्म निहताः सर्वे सुबालेन अकृत आत्मना
vṛddhau ca mātā pitarāv aham ca eka iṣuṇā hataḥ
kena sma nihatāḥ sarve subālena akṛta ātmanā
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"I and my aged parents are killed by a single arrow. By a man without self control and being very much a fool, all of as are virtually killed."
तम् गिरम् करुणाम् श्रुत्वा मम धर्म अनुकान्क्षिणः
कराभ्याम् सशरम् चापम् व्यथितस्य अपतत् भुवि
tam giram karuṇām śrutvā mama dharma anukānkṣiṇaḥ
karābhyām saśaram cāpam vyathitasya apatat bhuvi
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"Hearing those pitiable words and since I was always intent on righteousness, I felt distressed. The bow and arrow fell down from my hands to the ground."
तस्याहम् करुणम् श्रुत्वा निशि लालपतो बहु
सम्भ्रानत्ः शोकवेगेन भृशमास विचेतनः
tasyāham karuṇam śrutvā niśi lālapato bahu
sambhrānatḥ śokavegena bhṛśamāsa vicetanaḥ
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"Hearing his pathetic cry, weeping profusely during the night, I became unconscious frequently, utterly bewildered as I was, due to flare-up of my grief."
तम् देशम् अहम् आगम्य दीन सत्त्वः सुदुर्मनाः
अपश्यम् इषुणा तीरे सरय्वाः तापसम् हतम्
tam deśam aham āgamya dīna sattvaḥ sudurmanāḥ
apaśyam iṣuṇā tīre sarayvāḥ tāpasam hatam
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"Distressed in mind and with much sorrowful feeling, I reached that place and saw the ascetic, hit by the arrow at the bank of Sarayu River, with his tresses of hair scattered, his pitcher of water thrown asunder, having his limbs anointed with sand and blood lying down as he was, hurt by the arrow."
स माम् उद्वीक्ष्य नेत्राभ्याम् त्रस्तम् अस्वस्थ चेतसम्
इति उवाच वचः क्रूरम् दिधक्षन्न् इव तेजसा
sa mām udvīkṣya netrābhyām trastam asvastha cetasam
iti uvāca vacaḥ krūram didhakṣann iva tejasā
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
Looking up with his eyes, as if going to scorch with his glory, at me who stood terrified and sick in mind, he spoke those harsh words then:
किम् तव अपकृतम् राजन् वने निवसता मया
जिहीर्षिउर् अम्भो गुर्व् अर्थम् यद् अहम् ताडितः त्वया
kim tava apakṛtam rājan vane nivasatā mayā
jihīrṣiur ambho gurv artham yad aham tāḍitaḥ tvayā
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"O, king! I, who was carrying water for my parents, was hit by you. What was the harm done to you by me who is residing in a forest?"
एकेन खलु बाणेन मर्मणि अभिहते मयि
द्वाव् अन्धौ निहतौ वृद्धौ माता जनयिता च मे
ekena khalu bāṇena marmaṇi abhihate mayi
dvāv andhau nihatau vṛddhau mātā janayitā ca me
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
'Being hit on my secret part by a single arrow, you virtually killed both my mother and father, who are blind and aged.'
तौ नूनम् दुर्बलाव् अन्धौ मत् प्रतीक्षौ पिपासितौ
चिरम् आशा कृताम् तृष्णाम् कष्टाम् संधारयिष्यतः
tau nūnam durbalāv andhau mat pratīkṣau pipāsitau
ciram āśā kṛtām tṛṣṇām kaṣṭām saṃdhārayiṣyataḥ
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"Both of them, weak blind and thirsty, might have refrained their thirst with difficulty and waited with expectation of my arrival since long. I am sure."
न नूनम् तपसो वा अस्ति फल योगः श्रुतस्य वा
पिता यन् माम् न जानाति शयानम् पतितम् भुवि
na nūnam tapaso vā asti phala yogaḥ śrutasya vā
pitā yan mām na jānāti śayānam patitam bhuvi
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
'Surely, our (mine or father's) religious austerity or sacred knowledge have not borne fruit because my father does not have information about me, having fallen down and lying on the ground.'
जानन्न् अपि च किम् कुर्यात् अशक्तिर् अपरिक्रमः
चिद्यमानम् इव अशक्तः त्रातुम् अन्यो नगो नगम्
jānann api ca kim kuryāt aśaktir aparikramaḥ
cidyamānam iva aśaktaḥ trātum anyo nago nagam
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"What my disabled father, unable to walk around can do, even if he knows like a tree unable to protect another tree which is being cut off?"
पितुस् त्वम् एव मे गत्वा शीघ्रम् आचक्ष्व राघव
न त्वाम् अनुदहेत् क्रुद्धो वनम् वह्निर् इव एधितः
pitus tvam eva me gatvā śīghram ācakṣva rāghava
na tvām anudahet kruddho vanam vahnir iva edhitaḥ
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
'O, Dasaratha! Going there soon, you alone tell my father; so that he will not scorch you by his anger, as a forest is scorched by a flared-up fire.'
इयम् एक पदी राजन् यतः मे पितुर् आश्रमः
तम् प्रसादय गत्वा त्वम् न त्वाम् स कुपितः शपेत्
iyam eka padī rājan yataḥ me pitur āśramaḥ
tam prasādaya gatvā tvam na tvām sa kupitaḥ śapet
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
'O, king! This foot-path will lead you to my father's hermitage. After going there, seek his graciousness, lest he should get angry and execrate you."
विशल्यम् कुरु माम् राजन् मर्म मे निशितः शरः
रुणद्धि मृदु स उत्सेधम् तीरम् अम्बु रयो यथा
viśalyam kuru mām rājan marma me niśitaḥ śaraḥ
ruṇaddhi mṛdu sa utsedham tīram ambu rayo yathā
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
'O, king! Extract this arrow-head from my body. This sharp arrow torments my delicate vital part in the same way as a river-current corrodes the sandy bank, which is at a height.'
सशल्यः क्लिश्यते प्राणैर्विशल्यो विनशिष्यति
इति मामविशच्चिन्ता तस्य शल्यापकर्षणे
saśalyaḥ kliśyate prāṇairviśalyo vinaśiṣyati
iti māmaviśaccintā tasya śalyāpakarṣaṇe
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"While extracting the arrow-head from him, this thought entered my mind. With arrow-head in his body he will suffer, even though surviving. But after extracting the arrow-head, he will die."
दुःखितस्य च दीनस्य मम शोकातुरस्य च
लक्ष्यामास हृदये चिन्ताम् मुनिसुत स्तदा
duḥkhitasya ca dīnasya mama śokāturasya ca
lakṣyāmāsa hṛdaye cintām munisuta stadā
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"Then, the son of the sage perceived worry in the heart of myself, who was lamenting pitiably, suffering from anguish."
ताम्यमानः स माम् दुःखादुवाच परमार्तवत्
सीदमानो विवृत्ताङ्गो वेष्टमानो गतः क्षयम्
tāmyamānaḥ sa mām duḥkhāduvāca paramārtavat
sīdamāno vivṛttāṅgo veṣṭamāno gataḥ kṣayam
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
Sinking into despondency with distress, distorting his limbs in agony, coiling round himself on the floor with extreme pain and having approached the end of his life, he spoke to me (as follows) with great difficulty.
संस्तभ्य धैर्येण स्थिरचित्तो भवाम्यहम्
ब्रह्महत्याकृतम् पापम् हृदयादपनीयताम्
saṃstabhya dhairyeṇa sthiracitto bhavāmyaham
brahmahatyākṛtam pāpam hṛdayādapanīyatām
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
'Suppressing my grief with firmness, I am becoming stable-minded. Let the torment in your heart, caused by the thought of your having killed Brahmana be removed.'
न द्विजातिर् अहम् राजन् मा भूत् ते मनसो व्यथा
शूद्रायाम् अस्मि वैश्येन जातः जन पद अधिप
na dvijātir aham rājan mā bhūt te manaso vyathā
śūdrāyām asmi vaiśyena jātaḥ jana pada adhipa
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
'O, king the ruler of the country! I am not a Brahmana. Let there be no agony in your mind. I am born through a Sudra woman by a Vysya.
इति इव वदतः कृच्च्रात् बाण अभिहत मर्मणः
विघूर्णतो विचेष्टस्य वेपमाचस्य भूतले
iti iva vadataḥ kṛccrāt bāṇa abhihata marmaṇaḥ
vighūrṇato viceṣṭasya vepamācasya bhūtale
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"While he was speaking in that manner with great difficulty, his vital part having been hit by an arrow and was rolling on the ground, now exerting himself, now trembling and sinking, I drew out that arrow from him. That sage looked up towards me in fear and relinquished his life."
इत्यार्षे श्रीमद्रामायणे आदिकाव्ये अयोध्याकाण्डे त्रिषष्टितमः सर्गः
ityārṣe śrīmadrāmāyaṇe ādikāvye ayodhyākāṇḍe triṣaṣṭitamaḥ sargaḥ
SYNONYMS
TRANSLATION
"O, my dear Kausalya! Seeing him, with his body drenched in water, weeping with anguish, unceasingly sighing his breath, with injury in his vital part and lying down in River Sarayu as he was, I became very much grief-stricken."